Jehovah’s Witnesses are renowned around the world for their door-to-door proselytizing work. And you know what else? Jehovah’s Witnesses have that an annoying ability to come to your door at the most inopportune time: You might be in the middle of laundry; You might be putting the kids to bed; Maybe you are just about to hop into the bath or shower; Or, worse, you are just about to make love.
So, how do you get Jehovah’s Witnesses off your door so that you can get back to your life without having to take their magazines or listen to them talk about Jehovah and their good news about the Kingdom of God where all humans on earth will die and only the Jehovah’s Witnesses will live?
1. Politely tell Jehovah’s Witnesses you are not interested.
Some Jehovah’s Witnesses will politely thank you and move on to the next door but many will respond with the question, “Is there a reason why you are not interested?” or some similar question.
Do NOT engage Jehovah’s Witnesses in conversation. Be firm and close your door.
2. Put up a Sign on your Door that reads: “Jehovah’s Witnesses STAY OUT!”
You could easily put up a sign that says “No Trespassing” but it’s no good. Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t think they are trespassing when they are just knocking on a person’s door.
No, it’s much more important to specifically tell Jehovah’s Witnesses to STAY OUT!
You could also make your sign bigger and include Salespersons, Mormons, Politicians on your list of people who you want to STAY OUT!
3. Get on Jehovah’s Witnesses “DO NOT CALL” List.
Jehovah’s Witnesses have your town or city mapped out into “territories”. That means your house, apartment or cardboard box is on their preaching route.
If you do not want Jehovah’s Witnesses to call to your door, you answer your door and interrupt them and tell them firmly and politely that you DO NOT want them to call to your house.
They will put your house on their territory map as one not to be called to.
Unfortunately, you’ll have one or two Jehovah’s Witnesses call to you from time to time to find out if you have changed your mind. In other words, they will call to find out if you want to be removed from their list of houses that don’t want to be pestered by their nonsense.
In this case, you tell the Jehovah’s Witnesses forcefully NEVER to call again.
That should do the trick.
4. Do not answer the door to Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Jehovah’s Witnesses tend to just knock once, wait for about 15 minutes while they clock up preaching time and then walk away. There are the rare few Jehovah’s Witnesses who are genuinely trying to create converts. These ones may knock until someone answers the door if they heard or saw somebody inside.
Therefore, be very quiet and do not look out your window to check if the Jehovah’s Witnesses have gone away. Eventually, the Jehovah’s Witnesses will go away.
5. Answer the door to Jehovah’s Witnesses in your Birthday Suit.
Most Jehovah’s Witnesses will apologise for YOUR immodesty and then run from the door quicker than a hare from a greyhound.
It might not always work though.
If you are a hot female, it may not work at all on young men whose testosterone levels are through the roof.
Nor will it work if you are George Clooney and it’s female Jehovah’s Witnesses who’ve arrived at your door.
Therefore, always gauge your audience (i.e the age and sex of the Jehovah’s Witnesses) before trying this option.
6. Shut the Door as soon as you realize it is Jehovah’s Witnesses.
Sometimes, just seeing Jehovah’s Witnesses at your door with their fake smile, perfectly groomed hair, bag by their sides, magazines in their hands is enough to fill enough rage in you to turn you into the Incredible Hulk.
If you are about to turn into the Hulk, the best thing to do is Shut the door. And shut it FAST!
The Jehovah’s Witnesses will walk away. They may call back some months later.
But if Jehovah’s Witnesses do call back, maybe you should throw them 500 ft into the air and hope they land on a spike
7. Engage Jehovah’s Witnesses in a Debate.
Jehovah’s Witnesses‘ main concern is to find individuals who are easy to convert. They do not want to start a debate.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses may or may not engage you in the debate. This mainly would depend on their ability to determine that you are starting a debate.
If you want to make it clear you want to start a debate, you could start with the following:
“Jehovah’s Witnesses! I’m so glad you are here. I always wanted to debate […]”
Some subjects you could use for your debate are:
- Adamic Sin.
- Blood Transfusions.
- Evidence for 607 BCE.
- False Prophecies.
- God’s Name “Jehovah”.
- Trinity Concept.
8. Remain Silent While Jehovah’s Witnesses Preach.
When one of Jehovah’s Witnesses engages you in conversation, they most certainly need you to respond in one way or another.
Remaining silent will confuse Jehovah’s Witnesses and frustrate their efforts to convert you.
Do not say a word. In fact, it would be best to maintain a vacant stare into space.
The Jehovah’s Witnesses will look at each other, shrug and walk away.
9. Hum a Tune While Jehovah’s Witnesses are trying to Preach to you.
Like everyone else, Jehovah’s Witnesses get annoyed when someone is humming a tune while they speak.
As soon as the Jehovah’s Witness engage you in conversation, start humming a tune. Each time that the Jehovah’s Witnesses stop speaking, stop humming.
Repeat as necessary.
The irritation will drive the Jehovah’s Witnesses away.
10. Tell Jehovah’s Witnesses you are an Apostate.
Jehovah’s Witnesses fear Apostates more than they fear the Devil. Jehovah’s Witnesses think apostates are demons in human form.
Jehovah’s Witnesses are renowned for calling down evil upon apostates; yet they have never called down evil upon the devil. But then again, who has?
Jehovah’s Witnesses will run from your door like you ripped your skin off and exposed the lizardy skin you have underneath.
Just sayin’ …
11. Tell Jehovah’s Witnesses you are a Mormon.
Many people get Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses mixed up as both religious groups are renowned for their endless proselytizing.
The key difference is that Mormons are generally dressed in dark clothing, white shirts, wear lapel badges and sport backpacks. Whereas, Jehovah’s Witnesses dress smartly in a varied array of colour garments and sport hand bags or brief cases; they don’t have any form of identification.
The similarities between Jehovah’s Witnesses and Mormons stops there.
You won’t find a Mormon with a Watchtower or Awake magazines and you won’t find Jehovah’s Witnesses with the Book of Mormon.
They also have a healthy hatred of each other.
That means, if Mormons come to your door, you can tell them you are a Jehovah’s Witness.
The effect is the same for both: either group can’t get away from your door fast enough!
12. Invite Jehovah’s Witnesses into your Home.
This should only be done if you have the confidence and/or the will to pull off any, some, or all of the next list of options.
- As soon as the Jehovah’s Witnesses start talking, light up a cigarette.
- Each time the Jehovah’s Witnesses look for your response, riddle it with swear words.
At random moments during the conversation, scratch your mid-region profusely as if you have crabs.
- Start vacuuming so that the Jehovah’s Witnesses have to shout their message.
- Append the end of your sentences with the words “Praise be to Allah”.
- Fart, if you can.
- If you have a friend or relative visiting, continue your conversation with them as if the Jehovah’s Witnesses were not there.
- Offer the Jehovah’s Witnesses a cup of tea/coffee but use a dirty cup from the sink and don’t clean it.
- Tell the Jehovah’s Witnesses you have the same dream every night where you see thousands of people dressed in blood-drenched robes, stripping naked and washing them white in the blood of a lamb. What does it mean?
- Tell the Jehovah’s Witnesses you had a blood transfusion even though you knew Jehovah’s Witnesses‘ biblical reason for not having one. Ask them if you’ve committed the unforgivable sin